Goodbye Deer

I lost one of the best friends I have ever had in October of last year. That isn't the happiest way to begin a blog, but it is important to the story. Her name was Jessica. And she was amazing.
Her birthday is coming up in May and I have been quietly planning a special birthday celebration- if tonight had not happened, nobody would ever have known about my plan. You see, there was a trail we used to take walks on. We walked after work and on weekends. We walked our dogs and we had the most amazing conversations and on the day before she had to put down her best friend Cassidy, she asked me to take a walk with them and take pictures on that trail. I turned the pictures into a video that she told me was the best thing anyone had ever done for her. The trail was a special place for us, so on her birthday this year I planned to visit the trail for the first time since her death- just to spend time being as close to her as I could get.
But it is not yet her birthday, it is today. And I am heading to Durham to skate at Wheels, but I am running ahead of schedule. I drive past the road the leads me to her apartment (the trail ran right behind her apartment) and I wonder for the first time if I can still remember exactly how to get there. I mean, it would be super sad to go out on her birthday only to discover that I didn't remember the way to the special trail. So I take the road. This is the first time I have been on the road since long before her death and I see the path where I would often see her walking from the bus stop and the places she rode her bike and the hill she made me skate down the first time I tried inline skates. But my car totally remembers where to go- a left here, a right here, bear to the left there. Then I get to the main apartment road and there are little side roads of apartments that all look exactly the same but have different names. The second sign says Butler and that sounds familiar, so I pull in and park in front of the apartment I remember to be hers. I jump out of the car and almost run to the left of the building because I am 100% sure that is how we got to the trail, but I stop short when i see a large truck parked there. I walk all the way around the truck, sure it must be hiding the path to the trail, but all I find is construction equipment and gang related graffiti on the side of the truck. Thinking I must have gotten my left and right confused, I walk behind the building (surely freaking out all the tenants who have their back doors open on such a nice afternoon- who's the creepy girl dressed in all black in our back yard?), but still find no path. That is when I start to freak out a little. I mean, this HAS to be the right place- everything looks exactly like I remember it except without the trail. How could I have forgotten something so important??? I walked to the left of the building 3 different times and made 2 full loops around the building but never found anything. Breaking into tears, I walked into the woods and watched the trees blow in the breeze while I cried, so ashamed that I had let Jess down again. I whispered "Where is it, Jess?", but the only answer I got was the rustling of the leaves, so I went back to the car. I was sobbing as I headed out of the complex toward Durham, but something felt very wrong about the way I was pulling out of Jessica's apartment. As much as my car had remembered how to get me to the apartment, it also remembered that the road was winding the wrong way as I made my exit.
 Just one road past Butler was Melanie Court and I literally screamed "MELANIE!" when I saw the name because THAT is where my friend had lived. Repeat scene from above- I parked at her apartment and ran to the left of the building. But rather than finding a rotting truck, I saw a massive rabbit. I was so excited to KNOW I was in the right place that I piped up "Hey rabbit!" and he just stared at me, not budging. I walked close enough to kick the bunny (but I didn't- promise) before he hopped away and when my eyes followed the direction of his hop, I saw the wide open path that led to the trail. Everything was exactly as I had remembered except for this huge DEER standing right in the middle of the path! A friggin DEER! I'm in the middle of chapel hill in the middle of the day with a parking lot on one side and a trail (where kids were riding bikes and screaming) on the other side and this deer is just standing in a wide open path staring at me like "do you see the trail, dumbass, or do i need to ask my elephant friend to come lead the way?" I couldn't take my eyes off the deer and I stood there for several minutes just staring at her and she stared right back at me. I thought about Jess and how she may have been the only person who loved animals more than I do and there was no doubt in my mind that when I asked the question "Where is it, Jess?" she would have only seen fit to send animals to answer. Then I thought that nobody would ever believe this story without pictures so I pulled out my phone and started snapping away. I walked about 10 feet closer and took more pics. Besides the occasional ear twitch she never moved. I finally decided that I wasn't going to win this contest so I said "Goodbye deer!" and walked away, but when I was almost to the parking lot I turned back around and she was still right there in the clearing, watching me walk away. See you next month, deer.

Standing on my soapbox wearing skates

I am resurrecting this blog to bring you an important public service announcement.

Last night I was coaching my Special Olympics basketball team. Well, to be honest, I was standing in the middle of the court being angry at the "head coach" (he gave himself that title) because he makes it obvious that he believes the only thing I am good for is rebounding while the kids practice shooting. There are four coaches and I am the only female, so while "head coach" gathers his man team to explain how practice will run, I play with the kids and wait for him to impart his wisdom on me when they are done talking business. So I'm standing around just being pissed off that I miss my very favorite practice of the week to help this team (I heart Wednesday speed practice) and thinking that I will email the SO coordinator when I get home and tell him I'm not going back and head to speed next week when my thoughts are interrupted by Kathryn, a favorite of mine, asking "Is that a nail in your nose?".
True story.
And because that is far from being the weirdest thing those kids have asked me, it only phased me enough to cause me to look around to put a face with the voice.
And that is when I noticed that I was surrounded by little girls. Every little girl in my group was standing around me just staring and smiling. And when I thought about it I realized that it is always like that. They are always jockeying for position and trying to stand closer to me than the other girls, yelling my name above the noise to tell me a story about their day at school, or just giving me a shy smile when I hand them a basketball.
It hit me like a ton of bricks- it MATTERS to them that I am there! It matters that one of their coaches is a girl just like them. Even if I am worthless to the dumb head coach, I just might be the most important person on the court for these girls.
It is so simple, but I never thought about it before so I thought maybe you hadn't either :)
I think that as women we have a responsibility to mentor little girls. I'm especially looking at you rollergirls! Our sport BREEDS the qualities that I think we need to teach young girls- independence, self-confidence, perseverance, the list could go on and on. Roller derby taught me those qualities and I can teach them to little girls so that they get a head start on being bad ass- how cool is that???

Here are links to three organizations that I am involved with and I know that all of them need more volunteers:
http://gotrtriangle.org/
http://www.bbbstriangle.org/site/c.dwKWLjO6LsKcF/b.6235163/k.EF01/Home_Page.htm
http://www.sonc.net/

I know that derby (and life) keeps us busy, but it is SO IMPORTANT to give back and I can't think of a better way to do that than to make a difference in a kid's life. I can tell you a million stories about how being involved with kids has changed me for the better and I just realized last night that maybe it changes them too :)

PS. Just in case any men read this (pretty sure I know at least 4 guys), BBBS is ALWAYS looking for Big Brothers. When I signed up to be a Big Sister 4 years ago, the wait for little boys to get a big brother was several years long. Do it!

My New Years Resolution

Happy New Year people!!!

i, along with 99% of you, have made new years resolutions year after year and have failed to keep them again and again. it is my humble opinion that setting yourself up for failure is not the best way to begin the new year, so this year i have resolved to focus on the really awesome things about myself- the things that make me heather! and it occurs to me that you guys might not know just how weird (er, i mean unique) i am, so i would like to share a partial list of things that make me very special:

1) when using vending machines, i always turn the dollar the opposite way from the picture, just to test the machine. if it takes my backwards dollar, i giggle to myself because i feel that i have won.

2) another vending machine heatherism- if there are multiple buttons for the same product (3 mountain dew buttons at work), i always press the one farthest from the money taker because i think it gets forgotten and the sodas in that slot might get lonely.

3) i can't go to sleep if my toes are touching each other (just the big toe and her neighbor), so i have to lace my feet together or wrap the sheet between my toes.

4) i absolutely cannot stand to have lotion on the palms of my hands. the backs of my hands have no sympathy for my condition, however, and dry out like mad so i have to put a small amount of lotion on the back of my hand and then rub the BACKS of my hands together- if any lotion accidentally gets on my palm, i have to wash my hands and try again.

5) i often use the wrong adjectives, not because i grew up in Wilkes county and had an inferior education (tho i should probably use that as an excuse more often), but because noises and situations are sometimes big to me and colors are quiet or scary. you know we are close friends if i have explained how upset i feel when work gets big :)

6) tho i suspect this might earn me an OCD diagnosis, i feel compelled to share that i am a creature of habit. i play the same game with pat every time we walk up the stairs (i lean toward him slowly until he snaps at my nose- its adorable), i tell my vitamins good morning and call them by name ("good morning, Pebbles!"), and when i come home i always say "hulloooooo monsters! hey hammies! hey gerbs!" this list could go on forever... 

7) if you are on the verge of ending our friendship now, my last point might push you over the edge- but i feel sure that we have discussed this if we have been friends for any length of time. i always imagine the scariest outcome possible. when i take the dogs out at night, i see a man hiding in the bushes. when i turn on a light in a previously dark room, i see a stranger standing in the room. if i have to pull back a shower curtain, i see a dead person hanging in the shower. this list could go on forever too- people hiding in the back of my car, things under my bed reaching for my legs, eyes looking at me from the air vents... I KNOW THEY AREN'T REAL- STOP DIALING THE PSYCH WARD! i assume this particular brand of psychosis comes from a mixture of my incredibly overactive imagination and watching too many scary movies as a kid, but it really doesnt bother me anymore, just amuses me because i know how very strange it is ;-)

 

So this is my resolution people- these are just a few of the many MANY weird things about myself that i have grown to appreciate simply because they are mine and i think that makes them beautiful. and i hope that with the start of a new year you can all appreciate the quirks and imperfections that make you who you are and see that you are beautiful BECAUSE of them and not in spite of them. and i wish you all an amazing 2009!

A Survey- Participate If You Like :)

For my 26th year of life, I decided to learn to think. As odd as it sounds, I believe it is very easy (and perhaps even the norm) to make it to 26 (or for an entire lifetime) without really learning to think for yourself and I am not happy to simply exist on the "truths" of other people. I have thought about a lot this year (please forgive me for being a blog slacker, thinking makes me tired- hehe), but nothing has rattled me to my core quite like thinking about my faith.

I have called myself a Christian for quite some time, realizing full well that by identifying with a group I am allowing myself to be identified with the individuals in that group. I was ok with this idea for 15 years or so. But this year I began to consider who I was identifying with (I should stop here to give another shout out to Shane Claiborne's amazing book THE IRRISISTABLE REVOLUTION because I really believe it changed my life) and what their actions (or lack thereof) might be saying about me. 

Here is a brief look at my journey into this question (we're getting to the survey part- be patient!):

Q. What is a Christian?

A. A follower of Jesus Christ (I like to keep things really simple when talking to myself)

Q. What would a follower of Jesus Christ look like? (not what color would their hair be, but what would a life devoted to following Christ look like)

A. A follower would strive to emulate the life and love exhibited by Christ while He was on earth (ok ok, my REAL answer to myself was "He would wanna be like Jesus"- don't judge me!)

Q. So what did Christ DO?

A. As far as I can tell, He loved A LOT. He gave all He had to help meet the needs of people in His community, both physically and spiritually. He touched people who were considered untouchable and He loved people who were considered unlovable.

Q. So, let's try this again- what would a Christian look like?

A. 

I didn't want to answer the question because I knew I wasn't measuring up. Not only that, but I couldn't think of a single person who I could point to and say "THAT is how Christ would be living!" 

And that makes me very sad.

So I'm looking- for a church, a group, or just a few people who give a damn. And it's frustrating.

What is even more frustrating is that the song "My Jesus" by Todd Agnew keeps popping up on my ipod and it is pretty much the theme song for this journey. Here's the video:

So this is the survey- I want to know what you guys think about this. 

Do you know Christians who you feel are being Christ in the 

community? 

Do you think I'm being too critical? 

Anybody having a similar frustration? 

Wanna recommend a medication that will keep me from playing Q&A games with myself? 

I don't need answers, but I would enjoy hearing your opinions :)

THINK!

In 6 days I will be voting for Obama. I am not voting for him because he is better dressed (he is) or better looking (that too) or a better speaker (anybody gonna argue with that?) than his Republican counterpart. I am voting for Obama because I have listened to both candidates speak about how they plan to make my country better and I have read each candidates views on issues that matter to me and THEN I decided that my views more closely lined up with Obama's.

If you went through a similar process and decided to vote for another candidate, I completely respect that and I am so grateful that we live in a country where we are free to make our own decisions.

Tonight my soap box is not McCain vs. Obama. My soap box is that so many people fought so hard for us to have the RIGHT to vote for either candidate we choose and I feel that most of us aren't taking our vote seriously.

I asked a coworker if she watched the first presidential debate and she told me that she didn't need to watch the debate because she already knew who she was voting for. "Without knowing where the candidates stand on the issues?" I asked. "Yup!" she answered proudly.

You may be laughing, but the sad fact is that i know MANY people who vote this way (though most of them aren't dumb enough to brag about it) and it makes me sick! 

Just today I was considering early voting and I realized that I don't know how to vote on the offices besides president. I spent an hour searching for a website that could break down the issues and tell me each candidate's position, but I came up with nothing. Knowing that many of my coworkers have already voted, I began asking if they could recommend an informational site and was frustrated beyond belief to find that almost nobody could find one. When I questioned how they knew who to vote for for County Soil and Water Representative, I got answers like this:

"I just left them blank."

"I just went thru and marked some names."

"I voted straight ticket." (While I realize that this may be what many of you do, this is my blog and I am exercising my right to free speech to tell you that is dumb- but I still love you!)

Not a single person said they read up on the candidates and made informed decisions on who they believe will best lead our state and our counties.

And that makes me very sad.

But I know a lot of you (myself included) have not voted and I hope to encourage some old school THINKING in this last election week, so I would like to share with you the website I FINALLY found that breaks down the platform of every nominee on the ballot. 

http://www.indyweek.com/gyrobase/Section?oid=oid%3A33533&category=oid%3A160812

They are listed in alphabetical order, so it is helpful to have a sample ballot handy. You can find one by simply googling "Durham (or insert your county of choice) County NC Sample Ballot".

So I encourage you all to vote on or before next Tuesday, but more than that, I encourage you all to THINK!

happy things

this is one of my new favorite songs by my new favorite singer and somebody made a killer music video for it- i hope it makes you as happy as it makes me!

a rant

in searching online for a t-shirt last weekend, i ran across a shirt that read "The only difference between tattooed people and non-tattooed people is that tattooed people don't give a shit that you don't have tattoos" I chuckled but i knew immediately that i had no interest in the shirt because it would make me look like an asshole. what kind of egotistical jerk thinks that people actually CARE if she colors her skin?

about 5 days after discovering that t-shirt, i went in for my seventh tattoo. it was then that i began to see that the creator of the shirt might be on to something...

i want to be very clear about this- i love talking about my tattoos. i love planning them, preparing for them, getting them, and taking care of them so that the best possible piece of art is left on my skin. i dont mind when people ask to see them, want to know what they mean and why i got them, or even say things like "so are you just gonna cover your body in tattoos?"

the answer is yes :)

I'm not sure why this particular tattoo has made such waves. i can only guess that it could be the size and colorfulness of it, the fact that i posted disgusting pics that are normally reserved for freaking out my mom when the piece is healed, or maybe just that facebook and myspace make it so darn easy to wander into one another's lives that we feel we have a right to pass judgement on our "friends".

wellllllllllll ya don't...

i doubt that any of the people who inspired this rant even bother to look at my blog (that would be dangerously close to getting to know me instead of just talking shit behind my back), but just in case any of them stumble on here, i have a message:

I am a well-educated, 26 year old ADULT. the United States of America thinks i am capable of casting a vote for the next President, giving myself lung cancer, drinking until i pass out, and renting a car :) i have spent countless hours researching tattoos and how to be as safe as possible when getting them. i put a lot of thought and planning into each tattoo i get. i realize that my body will change and my tattoos will look different. NEWSFLASH: your body will also change (in fact it's changing right now- put down the cheeseburger!), but my fat will be pretty and colorful! 

in conclusion- i am very happy with who i am and my tattoos don't change that. i don't get them for anybody but myself. if you like them, i would love to hear that. if you hate them, you are welcome to your opinion and you can tell me all about it if it makes you feel better. but talking to other people about what i do with my body just makes you look silly and sad.

my wish for you is that the rest of your week will be so full of happiness that you don't have time to create drama over a flower that i got to honor my father.

and to my actual friends who know this post wasn't aimed at you, thank you for accepting me with varying amounts of color and metal- ill be needing more tattoo buddies soon ;-)